if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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