He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
