Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
