Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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