I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
