The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
