I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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