either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
