Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
