she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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