he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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