I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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