mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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