Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
