you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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