Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
