This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
