oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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