Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
