I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
