Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
