I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
