Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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