Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
