You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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