Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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