Apparently you make a good broom.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
In America we eat man semen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
