he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
