Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
