i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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