if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
