a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
