Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
