Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
