I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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