i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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