If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
