Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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