and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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