Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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