my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
