I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
