ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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