Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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