I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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