he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
