i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
