so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
