and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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