New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
