Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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