mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
