how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
