Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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