How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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