i wish my penis had a tongue
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
