My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
