Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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