I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
