There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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