hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
