If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
